This is a topic that continues to rear its ugly head throughout parenthood. As new parents, we’re given countless advice and information to help us. There seems to be this need for others to claim a certain tactic or mindset as being better, “well most people say do yadda yadda, but we did blah blah.” Perhaps the seeds of shame are being sewn as soon as these words leave the lips, because even with the disclaimer it is clear that the actual meaning is ‘I know better’ and the judgment has passed.
I find myself trying to be impartial concerning the parenting choices of others. At its root, this is due to the little remarks, clearly meant to shame, that I have already felt. Each time someone hears or sees a child there seems to be this need to interject something “he needs some socks on his feet, he’ll get sore from riding in that carseat while she jogs, he needs a longer nap, he shouldn’t be taking a nap right now”…and on and on.
At times it is stressful and difficult being a new parent, the lack of sleep, always questioning if you are doing things right, every single day you learn something new. Most of us are trying our best and giving all the time and energy that we can towards raising a human being who is not a complete jerk. (We want to raise a good person, right?) Before I give any parenting advice I’ll ask myself first, is it helpful and second, is it necessary?
Recently, we’ve been having a bit of a battle with our now 8 month old son in regards to sleeping through the night. (Okay, so maybe its been over the last several months.) We’re still renting and the apartment that we live in has thin walls. To put it lightly, our neighbors are not fans of us at the moment. We are doing everything in our power to try and get him to sleep through the night, but they don’t seem to empathize or care. I understand, its not your child but you feel forced to hear his cries, however as parents we want to sleep too. We need it. Unfortunately, two of our neighbors are young adults and all I have to say is ya’ll just wait. Your awakening is coming, because one day you will have your own little nugget to drive you insane at 3 AM.
These days parenting is hard, its always been hard, but maybe as a society we can begin to shift away from this need to shame each other about our decisions. The very decision to become a parent these days comes with its own bit of shaming, whether its an opinion about when to have kids, such as first focusing on college or career goals. (Another topic that perhaps we can explore further.) The truth of the matter is that you will never be ready to parent because most of it must be learned as you go. Parenting is a rewarding, enlightening, and frustrating venture, but many things that require this much patience and attentiveness are well worth the effort.
If you feel shamed today, by a parent or some complete stranger who feels the need to insert his opinion, just remember you are not alone. I’m hear drinking my green tea with mango trying to give myself a small mental vacation, before I google the next ‘how to’ or read another book about sleep training. (Eventually finding advice that contradicts and then just muddling through as best I can.) I also know that if you are anything like me then you love your child deeply and you’re doing the best you can while taking it one day at a time. Let’s stop playing the shame game.
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